


The real kind of hurt

by mirkwood131



Series: The pitiful chronicles of an idiot [8]
Category: EXO (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Jeon Jungkook Is Bad at Feelings, Jeon Jungkook is Whipped, Kissing, M/M, Requited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 09:29:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11987001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirkwood131/pseuds/mirkwood131
Summary: Mission: "Fuck feelings. Fuck rules. Fuck you! Fuck me!"Status: Error. No mission foundCause: Falling in love. Jimin.





	The real kind of hurt

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this chapter is different from the other ones...I can't put my finger on it but maybe, maybe, it's a little bit darker, less overall funny and lighthearted, idk.  
> enjoy :)

There’s this neat little saying, “Abyssus abyssum invocat”, which means hell calls for hell, or better, one misstep leads to another or, just for fun and giggles, this is only an album by Behemoth which doesn’t tell very you much probably. I’d like to think, like everybody else, that I’m not a bad person, even though in the last couple of chapters I kept comparing myself to fucking Nero or Caligula. But, as you and my neighbor that feeds his cat only vegan stuff, I’m trying to be decent, because, no matter how much I strive not to believe that above my head there’s a man watching over every little thing I do and probably judging the shit that I keep shitting even though I shouldn’t, I still have that almost unconscious fear that I’m supposed to at least try. Try, even though the afterlife is only infinite darkness and nothingness and I’ll simply turn to dust and my love for Jimin will die with me, will melt in my grave along with my flesh and clothes. It scares me shitless, thinking all I’m doing right now, even this thing I’m writing, is pointless, I mean, what’s actually the use of going by the rules if we die and afterwards there’s nothing? What’s the point of being faithful, of not stealing and living in poverty or being so rich that you end up making some sheets and clothes out of money? Why is it so fair for some to live such bad lives to, in the end, just poof? Where’s the justice, then? If we all end up in the same place as rapists, murderers and criminals?

But then, what’s the point of my quote if all we do is futile and our faith in humanity is gone because misery is the only constant in life, during and after this disappears?

I’m divagating, I’m probably not even making sense right now, I’m probably boring you with all of my stupid ideas when instead I should talk about my relationship with Jimin.

And this is exactly what I’m going to do, because I have nothing else to do, because I’m still feeling so confused and worried, even though it’s daylight and the sun is shining so brightly through my window. Last night still appears like a dream to me, his kiss and words, but more than everything, how hurt I felt when I saw Chanyeol leave like that, with me being so selfish that I’ve never even considered his fucking feelings? And now what am I supposed to do? Thank him for the little push, for the fact that he backed down for someone else’s happiness? Where’s the justice in this? Because I’m acting like a crappy person and I still have the audacity to ask for so much when he has only given me so much, but I only treated him that way? And I keep doing so, because I choose to write this instead of simply just apologizing to him.

But this is too much talking and I’m afraid that today I have no plan. Supposedly, my big wish was granted but why I’m still not happy? Why I don’t feel that effervescent happiness bubble in my chest and break through the flesh and bones to sip into my blood right to my brain. To be drunk on love and joy, because I can have what I want? Instead, I’m insatiable, I crave something more or what? I don’t know.

But I lace up my shoes and open the front door and walk towards Jimin’s house to knock at the wooden door that still has the little heart indent that we’ve made when we were ten. I still remember, coming from school with him, big smiles on our faces, and a small nail in his still chubby hand. After reading the entire Hobbit book during classes, behind the teacher’s back, we wanted to write something on the door as a secret symbol. We both held the rusty nail and it took us so much time to trace the shape of a simple heart. Now it’s faint, it almost disappeared, but still there, in a corner. Only if you knew you could see it. For months it remained for us as a well-kept secret, until one night, we found out that his mother actually saw us scribble it on the wood. She didn’t say much and didn’t try to remove it, time almost did instead of her.

He opens the door as he did millions of times and smiles like always, but this singular time, it feels different because he drags me quickly inside to lay a kiss on my lips. It’s quick and easy, just a little touch before he breaks it.

“Was it too much?” he asks but I only laugh.

Maybe I’m happy, I don’t know, because right now I can feel something looking at him.

“Too little?”

“My parents are at work. You hungry?” he asks, and I can’t stop noticing how natural, unforced everything is, like nothing ever happened and we’ve been like this since forever.

There’s not much change in our dynamics, only light kisses from time to time and shy smiles when we think the other doesn’t see. We talk as usual, about unimportant matters, but maybe now I’m the one who wants to bring all the lies to surface. Because the hours are ticking and it’s all fun, but no question that I have is answered, not even when it’s starting to get dark outside.

“So now are we a couple?” I ask Jimin as we sit on the couch, him with a big bowl of colorful cereal on his lap.

He looks back at me and I don’t know what to understand from his expression. It’s the same as usual, but different at the same time.

“Oh…if you want.” he says after a while, chewing on some.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

I feel punched in my stomach, the ease and indifference with which he said everything and I’m beginning to wonder if he meant what he said last night.

“I mean, you and Chanyeol seemed to be a thing. And now you aren’t?” he asks, still indifferent but I can clearly see how his lip rapidly twitches.

I stare at my hands because I’m suddenly ashamed once again of myself, ashamed of what I did to get what I want when in reality, it made things worse.

“We…we were a thing…what I mean to say it’s that he was trying to help me make you jealous.” I say.

My throat feels dry because it seems like telling the truth is hard.

“We aren’t or were together for real.”

“Oh. Well, it seemed.” he says, putting a spoonful of colored flakes in his mouth.

“Jimin! Can you freaking tell me what’s wrong, because I can tell quite well that something is wrong between us but you simply don’t tell me!! You keep eating those freaking cereals and give me monosyllabic answers like you don’t give a damn!” I say, way too loud because his head turns around so quickly to look at me.

He keeps looking at me and I don’t have the power to say anything because what the fuck can I say to fix this thing?

“Look…I won’t judge you for doing that…I’m not in the measure to say whether or not it was okay or not. I’m not mad for it, really.” he calmly says.

“But then, tell me what is it?”

He sighs, pushing himself deeper in the couch and I’m already starting to have a bad feeling about this.

“I know you’ll get angry.” he says.

“I won’t. Why would I get angry?”

“Because you won’t like it and probably you’ll feel like this whole thing, the kissing and shit was a big charade or something.” he says, still not looking at me.

“Tell me the fuck now, Jimin! Let me understand.”

“In less than a month I’m leaving for university. In England. In London. For 4 years. I will only afford to come home for winter break and then for the summer one. One year, JungKook. How do you think we can have such a relationship? Friendship, maybe. But being together, as boyfriends? Do you really think it will work out?” he asks and I suddenly want to scream and cry and tell him he’s wrong.

Because he must be wrong, people who love each other can go through so much and everything would only be for 4 years. Of course it must work. I know him, I love him, I would do everything for him.

“There’s skype and phones and Facebook and text messages.” I say, without much certainty.

“We’ll meet other people, JungKook. It’s 4 years. Not a year. We don’t even know if it will work like this, living next to each other.” he says, putting the bowl on the table.

I feel like a freaking stupid kid, having his chocolate ice cream thrown on the ground by the mean, bad one.

“I love you.” he says, touching my hand with his.

“Stop saying that!”

I snap my hand from beneath his, hitting my thigh.

“JungKook…you must understand that-“

“What, that no matter how much I’d do for you, it doesn’t matter, because what you’re saying is that when you’ll be there, immediately, what, we’ll find someone else and forget about this?! This is what you’re implying? That you’ll fall in love with somebody else and fuck and marry that person? Because you can’t believe this might work? That there’s a chance?”

“JungKook, is not that simple…”

“Why? You don’t even give us a chance!! You don’t even want to imagine how it would be to…”

“I do. All night. I wanted this to happen so much sooner but I didn’t want to scare you off. I thought that you hated me after that shitting dry humping thing, because I didn’t do it because I wanted to be a good friend. I did it because I was so fucking turned on and I wanted you. I want you but you have to think deeper about everything. You can’t just-“

“I have to go.” I say and stand up and he tries to grab my hand, but I’m faster as I’m running to the door and shutting it close behind me.

I keep running as I always do, it clears up my mind, the fogginess in my mind from his words. He acted so cold, so unaffected like he didn’t even care. Like it was just another thing from his to do list to be done.

The wind is brushing next to me, is running with me, pushing me from behind until I reach an intersection where I stop and sit down on the cold concrete. It’s dusk, the building are starting to get red and orange and pink and the sun is slowly dying. I’ve spent the whole day at Jimin’s, starting to be happier and happier when…

I pick the phone from my pocket, I wonder how it didn’t fall on the ground.

_**to chanyeol: can I see u? | sent [7:23pm]** _

_**seen [7:25pm]** _

_**from chanyeol: k | sent [7:25pm]** _

_**seen [7:26pm]** _

_**to chanyeol: can I come over? | sent [7:31pm]** _

_**seen [7:31pm]** _

_**from chanyeol: I’ll come where u are | sent [7:33pm]** _

_**seen [7:33pm]** _

_**to chanyeol: k | sent [7:34pm]** _

_**seen [7:34pm]** _

I don’t have to wait long for Chanyeol to come and as I sit with my back leaning now on a tree, I try to ignore all the phone calls from Jimin. I can’t, I can’t talk to him.

“Hi!” Chanyeol says, looking down at me.

“Sorry, I should’ve picked a better spot…” I say, but he sits nonetheless next to me, leaning on the rough bark with his white shirt. “I also shouldn’t have messaged you. You’re not my personal…whatever.”

“It’s fine. I was eating some reheated soup anyways on my couch in only my boxers. I won’t miss much.” he laughs and I look how his eyes crinkle at the corners.

It suits him, smiling.

“Would you accept to be in a relationship at distance with someone? If you knew you loved them and they loved you back?” I ask him.

“It’s about Jimin?”

“Am I this obvious?”

“A bit. I don’t know…really. He doesn’t want to?” he ask and I nod.

What’s there else to say.

“Both of you should talk about it…this is such shitty advice, I’m sorry.” he says and huffs, brushing a hand through his red hair.

“Why did you come? I acted like a dick to you. I’m not worth your time, at all…” I say.

“Then you got your answer. I’d be caught in a distance relationship.” he laughs, bitterly, and my heart presses against my rib cage.

Am I really a decent person?

“I don’t know why I came. I’m stupid, sometimes. Big and stupid.” he says, taking a handful of ground and straining it between his fingers.

“You’re not stupid. And I’m the one who uses to word, not you. This is copyright.” I say, taking some dirt myself.

“Here, some ground.” he says, putting some more in my open hand.

The touch is quick but I can still feel the heat he emanates.

“Go to university there too. But this is stupid advice. A relationship shouldn’t rule your life. Don’t do shit you don’t want because of feelings. Fuck feelings.” he says.

I suppose it’s the first time I hear him curse and it surprises me.

“Fuck feelings. Fuck rules.” I laugh.

“Don’t fuck rules.” he says, tossing some more dirt onto me.

“That’s why you told me to confess to him and came here to talk about the guy I love? Because you don’t fuck rules but you fuck feelings?”

“Then you should fuck rules. Let only me fuck feelings. Don’t fuck important rules.” he says, putting his head on his bent knees.

He still looks big.

“Seriously, why are you here? Because, hell to the shitting feelings? But let’s respect rules and don’t even mind that you don’t hear an apology from me? I’m selfish…with all of this…” I say, because I know I’m taking advantage of the way he feels about me.

And it makes me feel some sort of strange power over him. Over someone. Because Jimin holds over me.

“Because I’ve said it. I’d do the fucking distance relationship. For 4 years or more.” Chanyeol says.

“This is the stupidest answer.”

“Fuck feelings. I-actually, my mother thinks I won’t be able to marry someone. At this point she doesn’t care. Girl or boy. Whatever. She says I’m like dad. A romantic who falls too fast and too much in love.” he says with a strange smile.

“Is your dad-“

“No. My mom divorced him. He cheated too much on her. Not because he didn’t love her. He just couldn’t…help it. He was that type of person who always had a crush, I guess. But then he was always coming back to her, until she couldn’t anymore and yeah…” he says.

“And you do the same?”

“I just fall in love too fast. Half of the bad things.” he laughs.

“Are you in love?”

“Let’s just…not talk about this. Mined territory. I’m supposed to get over it.” he laughs again.

I don’t dare to look at him.

“So you just respect the rules to…”

“There are no rules, JungKook. It’s just my saying. I hate my father. I hate what he did to my family, because I wanted him to only love two people not a hundred. I needed him to be there, not in some bed with whatever woman while we were at home and my mother was trying not to cry. I don’t want to be like him, so I have my rules.” he says.

“So you won’t fight for the person you love if you realize that they might be in some shitty relationship that’s still a relationship. You just refuse to fight.”

“I never said that-“

“So that’s why you come and talk to me. Are you punishing yourself for what he did?”

“JungKook…”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you fought a little. You’re not him.”

Silence falls over us because I’m not even sure about what I just said, what I just implied. Because I simply didn’t think, they came out so easily.

“What’s the point of your rules if we all die and there’s nothing else but darkness?” I ask.

“I sleep better at night with them. I think there’s heaven and hell, or at least some type of after-life justice. I don’t mean angels with swords and a human like God, with a robe and a throne. But something. It makes sense, at least to me. And if my rules make me feel better, let them be. I don’t mind suffering a little.” he says, leaning his head on the cold bark.

It’s getting colder. There’s darkness surrounding us.

“And what if someone else breaks the rules for you?” I ask, even though my heart is racing crazily in my chest.

It might be cold, but I’m sweating because I have no idea what I’m doing, what I’m feeling and what I’m doing is even worse than what I’ve done before. Because I keep getting closer to him now that his head is not leaning on the tree and he looks at me with big eyes and I stop midway, because what am I doing?!

“Don’t break them.” he whispers but I can tell that he’s inching closer to me too, closing his eyes.

I can clearly see the way he gulps down and I do it too because we’re too close to each other and his breath warms up my skin. But I stop. I don’t want to break his rules.

“I’m sorry.” I say.

I take a lot of ground in my hand and I throw it somewhere.

“I should stop calling you, right?” I ask him.

“Your phone is ringing.” he simply says, and I see it too.

Jimin.

I answer, finally, and I can’t talk, only listen.

“Can you come, to talk, JungKook? I know I was…I shouldn’t have said it in that way but I was really trying to act strong, but it only came out as cold. I’m not. I really do love you. And if you feel like it would work, I want to do it too…but we need to talk about it, about everything.” he says.

I breath out and look in front of me before I say I weak “okay” and close.

“Fuck feelings!” I laugh and Chanyeol laughs too, but for some reason I feel a knot in my throat.

“Fuck feelings. I should get going. That soup is waiting for me.” he say and stands up.

“Is this like…a goodbye?” I ask.

I can’t even stand up.

“I can do distance relationships. This will be my motto.” he says and finally leaves.

I suppose this doesn’t need a goodbye. We don’t need one. I probably tried saying it in my head because I have, not even now, no idea what I feel about him. I probably never will, but I try not look after him because soon after I stand up too and walk towards Jimin’s house. The crickets are singing and the full moon is up, lightning over me. It’s a nice night and I haven’t even apologized to him. I probably never will. I probably never know how it might be. It’s a nice night.

**Author's Note:**

> I L❤VE comments ❤


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